The Best Scrubs Quotes

J.D.: I'm, uh, I'm waiting for someone. Janitor: Door's broke. Fifth time or so it won't open. J.D.: Maybe there's a penny stuck in there. Janitor: Why a penny? J.D.: I don't know... Janitor: D'you stick a penny in there? J.D.: No, no, I was just making small talk. Janitor: If I find a penny in there... I'm takin' you down. J.D.: Your ex-wife. She's the answer. Dr. Cox: Uhhh... Things that ruined my life. Things that took half my money. Things with sharp edges! [J.D. and Turk have approached a strip club where there are angry protesters out front.] J.D.: Let's get outta here before we end up on the 6 o'clock news. [A reporter approaches them.] Reporter: Excuse me, are you gentleman visiting the club? Turk: (nervously) No! ...We're here protesting. J.D.: I'm worried about the kids. Reporter: So what's that in your pocket? [The camera zooms in on J.D.'s jacket pocket.] J.D.: Oh, this is just, um--it's thirty-eight dollars in singles...I-I bought a newspaper, and this is the change from my forty. [Janitor is digging through trash] J.D.: Did you lose something? Janitor: No, why? Did you take something? J.D.: No. Janitor: What'd you take? J.D.: Nothing. Janitor: What'd you take? Janitor: Here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna leave the cart in the closet, I'm gonna leave the closet unlocked and if... by magic, it happens to reappear, I won't ask any questions. J.D.: I don't even know what "it" is. Janitor: Then why take it? Janitor: Well, well, well, look what magically found it's way back! J.D.: Window cleaner? Janitor: No, this is ammonia. The window cleaner is... [looks around, turns to J.D.] Why? J.D. [narration] That's just bad luck .

[J.D is drying his crotch by rubbing it against the hand dryer in the men's room. Dr Kelso walks in]

Dr Kelso: [Looking sideways at J.D]: Y'know, son, you really ought to buy that thing dinner first. J.D: [Looks up] Wha? Uh? Aooooooh! [Falls off stool he was standing on to reach dryer] J.D: Ow. J.D.: A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell. Ted: Oh my God, you cut off someone's nose?! Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting. J.D.: Ted, I don't have the nose. Maybe you should calm down- Ted: MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALM DOWN!! Dr. Cox: [referring to a broken computer] Why have we never fixed or replaced this monstrosity? Laverne : You know the deal around here; if it barely works, it's not gonna get replaced. Dr. Cox : Well, I guess that explains why your ass is still on the payroll, huh? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Somebody stop me!

[The night before J.D. catches a glimpse of the Janitor's penis, as he was peeing accidentally ouside the Janitor's bathroom window]

J.D.: Look... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out. Janitor: When did you see my penis? J.D.: Last night when you were showering. Janitor.: Where were you? J.D.: Oh, I was outside in the bushes. Janitor: [dumbfounded] J.D.: Look it was just a coincidence man. If you had looked out of the window you would've seen MY penis you know. Janitor: What?? Why?? J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours! J.D.: Look, I'm sorry I was such a jerk yesterday, okay? I mean, come on, look at this floor! You could practically eat off of it! Janitor: Would you? J.D.: Would I what? Janitor: Would you eat off the floor? [Janitor drops a piece of turkey on the floor] [J.D. leans down to eat it.] J.D.'s Narration: As I bent down to eat that peppered floor turkey, unaware that the cleanser the Janitor uses is an extremely potent diuretic, I realized something... the reason we're doctors is because we have an innate desire to help people. [J.D. walks off] Janitor: That was disgusting